Napkin Thrower Attacks

(not) Napkin Thrower

You know how in “The Holiday” Jude Law does the whole Mr. Napkin Head routine with his kids and it’s a cross between sweet and corny and makes his character all that much more adorably doable? Well, the below story also involves a napkin, but unlike Jude – the guy in our story lacks charm, manners, and is doubtfully someone with whom you’d like to have post-coital cuddle time.

So,  a friend of mine walks into the Pub to meet up with some friends. As she walks by a table of guys, one of them throws a napkin at her. She ignores this (since she has never seen this person before in her life) and sits down with her girlfriend, who has a torn ACL. They are lamenting about their river trip that just got cancelled.

Napkin Thrower comes over to the table, sits down, and turns so he’s facing my friend. He then asks her if she has a boyfriend. To this, she says she does not. He then asks her for her number. At this moment another woman walks by and says hey to Napkin Thrower. He says hey back, explains to my friend that the girl is one of his girlfriends, and then asks my friend how she feels about threesomes. Nice.

He grabs a pen – oblivious to the disgust on my friend’s face – and writes down my friend’s number (still not sure why she gave him her real number). After getting her digits, he asks her to draw a picture of her favorite animal. She says that she’d rather not and explains that she is actually at the bar to hang out with her friend, not get accosted by him. He then insists that she draw her favorite animal, so she draws a stick figure that sort of looks like a horse.

Looking at what she’s drawn, Homeboy says that he asked her to draw her favorite animal, not her favorite sexual position. At this point, my friend is pretty sure this guy is screwing with her (not literally) and is too drunk to remember this conversation the next day. She was wrong. At 7:00am the following morning the guy calls her and leaves a message. She immediately saves his number as “Do Not Answer BPG 1″ (BPG = Brew Pub Guy). A few hours later he calls her again, but from a different number. She saves this as “Do Not Answer BPG 2.” After several missed calls from these two numbers over the course of the next two weeks, BPG 1/2 quits calling.

Now, I’m not a genius – especially when it comes to picking up chicks – but I’m pretty sure the lessons learned here are obvious: 1) don’t throw trash at girls – didn’t work in 2nd grade, doesn’t work now; 2) don’t ask her if she likes threesomes (do you really think she’s going to say, “Oh baby, I’ve been dying for someone to ask me that all night long!”); and 3) don’t call her at 7:00am – even if she did want to talk to you, it just seems desperate.