I was out to drinks with some girlfriends a few nights ago and we were commenting on The Hatch and how they a) obviously do not drink beer, b) all wear the same oversized shirts with huge earrings and skinny jeans, and c) use the word “like” between every, like, other, like, word. What is that? Nevertheless my bro friends are pumped. These chicks wear makeup, are still intrigued by stories of winter explorations, fly-fishing conquests, and river trips, and aren’t looking for their soul mate. They also like the guys’ “flexible schedules” and equate their inability to commit to anything important with being aloof (which to girls is, like, generally, like, desired). And, let’s be honest, they’re leaving soon anyway so it doesn’t really matter. In the end, both the guys and gals are psyched because they’re Expiration Dating.
Expiration Dating is a beautiful thing and for those of you who have never done this, well, like, you, like, are, like, missing, like, out. The trick is for one person or both in the “relationship” to have to leave/move at some point in the somewhat-near future (6 months or less). You don’t want to drag the whole dating thing out longer than 6 months because you then run the risk of someone thinking that she/he is in love. You are no longer “Expiration Dating” if the other person “loves” you; you’re stuck. You can and probably should still break up, but this makes the whole thing much too messy and way less fun.
The summer Hatch is a perfect time to expiration date – one or both of the people in the relationship usually has to go back to college in 2-3 months and the cell service in Jackson is really sketchy, which makes the whole long-distance thing impossible. Wireless goes out a lot too.
Expiration Dating consists of sleepovers, parties, and the very occasional date. You don’t want to overdo the last part because that inevitably leads to real conversations and increases the risk that one person could fall in, like, love. (Group dates at China Town, Abuelito’s, and any other place where those in the party are very likely to black/brown out are okay. You generally can’t fall in “love” if you don’t, like, remember.)
To reiterate, the trick to Expiration Dating is to never fight (you don’t want to care that much) and to make sure that one or both people are in fact moving. It’s not unusual to hear stories – usually from women – where the bro with whom they were just “having fun” ends up never leaving and instead tries to, like, move in with them. This is a worst-case scenario and to be avoided at all costs.
The more ideal way to go about it is to aim to only dedicate 2-4 weeks to the other person. For example, I have a friend who still refers to one of his ED conquests as his “2-week girlfriend.” Classy. I have another friend – well, ex-boyfriend – who tried to Expiration Date me and I made him suffer through a year of long-distance phone calls. He finally wrote me a letter to break up with me. Not an email. A hand-written letter. The cell service in Jackson is, like, bad.